paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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