I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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