omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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