Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
