Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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