Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
