He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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