I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
