the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
