I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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