Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
