Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
