i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
