I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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