The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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