He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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