i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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