"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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