What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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