that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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