my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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