Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
