my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
