What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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