Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
