Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
