she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
