I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize