so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
