I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
