xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
