I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
