According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
