You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
the raccoons are back...
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