I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
