I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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