i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
