im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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