Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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