she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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