If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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