just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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