I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
