I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
