she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches