Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.