I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
