I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
