In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
