I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
