I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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