Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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